The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Posted: 22nd April 2010 by Mister Critic in Random
I am not excited about starting a blog with the review of this movie, but I guess the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  Even if that one step is into a big pile of dog poo.

Now I was not a big fan of this series the first time around.  And now that it is a saga, I don’t think my opinion has changed.  I have not read the books, so maybe they are better.  But I am not happy with the changes made with the rules regarding vampire, and now werewolf, folklore.  Sunlight does not make vampires sparkle…it makes them die. They are creatures of the night.   I’m sorry, those are the rules.  If you don’t like it, don’t write about vampires.  Create some other sparkle monster.  And really the heart of the issue is that I am all for changing rules as long as you don’t make them lame.

So in the New Moon, we find the main characters, Bella, a mere human girl, and Edward, a vampire, in love but divided because his family wants to eat her, plus he’s like hundred years old and she’s 17…that’s gross, right?  Well, he decides to dump her to “save” her and that’s where the whole mess should have been left. But no, we get to watch Bella brood for months on end. Fun.
So Bella tries to get over her undead true love by hanging out with her  friend, Jacob.  Come to find out, you shouldn’t make Jacob angry, you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry (actually I wouldn’t like him regardless of his mood.)  Turns out that when Jacob gets angry he’s part of a rare group of Native Americans with werewolf genes, and he turns into a great big dog. I would say spoiler alert if the previews didn’t already let the dog out of the bag on this one.

So needless to say we now have a love triangle because of course, werewolves and vampires are sworn enemies.  Blah, Blah, Blah.

Sorry, this movie really had nothing of value. In the first movie, I appreciated on some level how the whole “I want to suck your blood” thing was an analogy for teenage lust and how we should fight our urges.  But this time around, it got old.  And there was so much bad acting. Pained looks, deep sighs and awkward pauses do not equal interesting teen angst.  Visually there was nothing of interest that we did not see in the first movie except the big dogs, which were made up of horrible CGI-ness and the jaunt to Europe (don’t get me started on how a teenager, especially one that has been sitting around brooding, got the resources to make a quick hop over to the continent.), both of which lasted all of fifteen minutes combined.  And I still don’t understand why the movie is titled New Moon?  Is it because of the new guy?  Because if it is, then It shouldn’t reference the moon. The moon has nothing to do with him being a werewolf in this story. Again another violation of monster rules.

About halfway through the movie, my wife turned to me and said, “If this is what is in the books, why are they so long?”  I think that sums it up nicely.  I’m not sure where the saga is headed, but this movie, just like a true vampire, should have died once it saw the light of day.